IN THE PROCESS OF EVOLUTION!!!

for a change yesterday's discussion took a different topic altogether and the conclusion was altogether different n interesting, particularly for souls like me! :D

topic began somewhere around the brief stint i had with a snake on a tree recently. :D it went on to discussion about creatures in general n finally came to human beings, the lone creature that is entirely genetically designed to stand on just two feet.. the need that drove apes to stand up n be us was our topic of discussion, again, assuming that we came from apes.. i realized in the course of discussion that humans are insanely lazy!!! apes are active, very stable while walking thin wall, climbing trees n jumping from branches to branches n so on.. but in the course of evolution, some bum monkeys probably decided that they were way too tired or lazy to cling on to branches n decided to give standing on earth a shot.. then they decided to cover up the lack of enough food on the ground by inventing cultivation n agriculture.. then the more lazy he got, more comforts he wanted at his finger tips n eventually got better brains to make things easier for himself.. then why should i be blamed for being lazy??? am just IN THE PROCESS OF EVOLUTION!!! :D

enlightenment

ahhhh.. long break.. swine flu.. broken thumb.. i have nothing to do.. or perhaps i must say i have things to do that i dont wanna do.. so i am doing nothing !

but yes, i love to write.. so i have decided to blog.. i am sitting like a lazy duck.. well, are there any duck that aint lazy?? hmmm.. i must correct myself n say that i am sitting like a duck.. period!

a rather interesting thought came across me mind.. i was trying to decide whether am lazy or is it that i should just lay all my procrastination tendencies on my ill-fate? coz i know, that in the long run, i might have to suffer coz of it.. but then, whats ill-fate? what is ill or good in fate? what is fate? since nothing is predecided or accurately predictable in true essence, i think i have to discard the possibility of anything called fate!

a line i heard somewhere recently impressed me to no end. in that episode,a very possessive protective mom always stays with her girl child n they share a brilliant chemistry. the kid never lies to her mom. the mom says to someone, "wouldnt the world be a much better place if everybody had this feeling that their mom is looking over their shoulders???". i loved that line. but then i asked myself, is that motherly figure required??? dont we all have an inner self that is scared when we cross dark alleys? aint that the same inner being who makes us tensed when we do something which we know is wrong? who is that person in us?? my flatmates have been in a very funny mood lately.. lol.. no disprespect, its an interesting sequence of events of course , but its funny.. we read excerpts from a book on living life the right way.. its called "a new earth" or sumthing. then there are Bhagwad Gita sessions.. there are a lot of deliberations about attaining something along the lines of Nirvana.. it has been a very intriguing thought process for half of us.. having gone through a lot of indulgence in life thats nowhere near nirvana, i feel a tingling sensation at the thought of enlightenment! :D

enlightenment i guess is like the gabbar figure moms use to scare their kids to sleep i guess. it hardly ever comes to anyone! we guys are like veeru n jai.. :P we are going for gabbar.. or for enlightenment.. :P

anyways, moving on, when i think abt it, i guess enlightenment is like an unacheivable destination for the poor inner self of ours.. unreachable, coz we are never detached from the outer self of ours, the embodiment of all our worldly exposure n egos n desires. probably unless n until the exterior n the interior r entirely aligned to the same goal, it will remain a far cry.. i have never come across a person in my life who is completely detached from the very urges that the exterior calls for.. i havent seen a black swan either.. so i believe in neither.. :)

so i guess enlightenment is bullshit..

enough for now.. more laters when i, god forbid, break more bones.. :D

A smile...

blogging after ages.. been kinda away from net access for quite some time now.. but well.. kept on writing stuff anyways behind notebooks n all.. have abt 6 stories n first chapter of a novelish stuff written.. :D. here goes the first story:

Once again I woke up to the warm gleaming stream of light entering my small room past a crack on the wooden window to the right of my bed.I searched for my glasses on the handicraft stool to the left of my bed.That is where i always kept them.After fishing it out of a messy wreck of stashed cigarette packs and newspapers I reached the door looking for newspaper. I am not one of those people who cant have their morning tea without holding their newspaper first. It was the talk of the town that when an old man was thrown out of his own house by his kids, he had started a newspaper agency and loads of people had signed him up out of sympathy. I had registered too. I always used to wish him in the mornings. He would always reply with a warm smile. Nothing more, nothing less. Lately he had been getting progressively late in delivering the paper. Old age, I suppose, was beginning to catch up with him. Once the sympathy had begun to have its effect worn off, many of the people who used to deal with him moved on to younger agents who would come in their cycles and deliver the newspapers before dawn. Since I was hardly interested in reading the newspaper, it hardly mattered to me how late it came and hence I continued with him. All i actually cared for was his smile. A simple emotion that suffused in me an excess of thirst for life, a spur to my heart beats, a grand proof of the ultimate human desire - happiness. The door was ajar but I could not find the newspaper hanging messily as usual on the gate. I had gotten up late and was almost sure when i did that i would have missed him today.I was happy that he had not come yet.I wont be missing him after all.But then, I could not help getting a bit worried about him. It was almost 11 in the morning and my kids had already gone to work. The old man had never been this late. I came back into my room and looked around just in case somebody else got it in while i was asleep.All I could see was my clothes scattered haphazardly and the old untouched newspapers stacked neatly on the far corner to the left of my cupboard. I cleaned up the mess a little and piled all my clothes into a laundry bag and threw it on the sofa. I was sweating and I could feel my heart pumping hard.Each morning of the past four years of my life had begun with the old man.Though seemingly unimportant, the fact that I am very old made me resistant to changes.With so little to look forward to, each little thing I did on any given day was like an event for me, though they might be predictable and supremely boring to people in younger clothes.Somehow, meeting this old man felt unique every time. Its a wonder how a simple smile could mean so much to me while so less was uttered. The day treaded slowly and lazily past noon. I was painting, but, my ears were waiting for a door bell and a familiar sound of old feet dragging on the pebble strewn garden path leading to the gate. My eyes were waiting for that smile. Suddenly I heard a sound at the gate and I rushed to the door as fast as my lazy flesh and bones could drag me.It was my son's car at the gate. My son, his wife and my granddaughter stepped out of the car.It was not common for them to come back home at this hour.I stared at them. They could easily see a question in my eyes i guess. But none said anything. My son slowly came to me and held me tight and whispered something into my ears. I could not understand it. Rather, I guess my body refused to hear it. I moved away from him and looked at the road leading to our gate. I was still looking out for the old man. This was the most late he had ever gotten. I made a mental note to make him sit down and have a cup of tea with me or perhaps even lunch. He should be coming any time now, I thought. "when the newspaper comes, do tell me." I said to noone in particular and was about to go inside when my son stopped me. He held me and shook me and said, " Dad is dead mom.Dead". My newspaper man would never come again.


do comment. :)
cheers.

~M~

crap! the ploy against the bad! :D

Am still trying hard to get a good ending to a story that I had started writing.. but while at it, thought I should post this stupid poem that I wrote unknowingly.. I have no idea when I wrote this.. was in a deep high most probably ! :)

Stand by me as I spin a mesh
rotting mess replaced by flesh
you in my dreams make me fresh
oh, how much I love your flesh.

So goes the ploy against the bad
to rid all that makes you really sad.
fly oh my bird on those cold winds
those that soon shall ride your minds

Let them dictate you now
show you hurt and show u how
to inflict pain, to make them bow.
to promise your coffin the best tow!


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I could make no heads nor tails out of this when i got up. Neways. L8r! Gnite! :)

Leaves turned!

Winter was there for all to see. Ripe red maple leaves lay strewn all over the diamond shaped cut stone laid path leading from my porch to the gate, one red vein connecting my abode to the world outisde guarded by maple trees. The green lawns on its either sides, the pool to the north with a mermaid spewing water, the white painted bird house perched on the banyan tree, all were a treat to the eye. Yet, my bliss, my source of eternal happiness was none of these delicacies nature had to offer. My eyes were fixed on the beautiful young lady in front of me. I couldn't write down what i felt when in her company. There she walked on the stone laid path carefully picking fresh leaves that fell over night. There was an air of timeless devotion in her actions. Every now and then I could see her wetting her forehead with honeydew and looking up to the heavens as though receving god's blessings with open hands. How I wish that was true though. She piled the collection for the day by the mailbox and sat with her back against the pole on which the box stood. There she sat, the embodiment of all my joys, my cares, my worries and my love, looking at me with an expression in her eyes that could best be described as a mix of a never ending wait and a profound pride at her own effort, seeking rewards. A symbol of pure and innocent beauty, of virtues hard to find and describe. As she sat there watching a beetle crawl over her leaves, a silent storm raged in my mind. She nudged the beetle, careful not to harm it in any way, re arranged her leaves and looked at me urging for approval. I nodded even as the storm within showed no signs of weakness. Every second my precious darling spent there with her eyes fixed up at the mailbox, the gail in the abyss of my mind seemed to gain in dimensions. How was I to tell her that I had lied, that Gods wont hasten the letter she was waiting for in return for the fresh picked leaves offered. How was I to tell my love, my princess, that she would never get the letter from her mother, my dear wife whom god took away from me. The beetle sat again on a leaf and my baby looked at me and then at the beetle and said with a shaky voice. "Are you not someone's mother too? Somebody might be waiting for you. Please go, while I wait for my mother". I hugged her tight. I could see nothing, hear nothing but the storm within and my darling sobbing tucking on my shirt.

Cut!

hmmmm...

this is one story that I myself loved after I wrote it down.. :)
was up on orkut for a long time. For those who dint get to read this full version, here goes:

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"I dont hate him, I seriously dont. Its sympathy, if thats what it can be called. I couldn't stand it, I couldnt see him like that and I bet he does understand it too." said Fredreich as he sat looking at the grey reflection of himself in the muddy lake water. Adrian was looking elsewhere. Skyscrapers stood like trees across the lake. Summer evening sun hid behind them imparting the concrete jungle a mystique aura. " Are you even listening to me?" Fredreich was beginning to feel that he was talking to himself. He put his feet down into the water and bent over to cover his face between his legs. "Fred, you know that it's not me whom you have to convince..", Adrian began slowly after a long draught of the moist air that smelt of freshly wet mud. He had always loved this fragrance but today was different. He couldn't feel the happiness that rallied into his mind everytime he experienced anything related to his childhood days. "..even I don't feel it was your fault. But don't you understand that they are different? The whole world else is alien to us three, Fred. They never understood any of us and never will."


The day had almost come to an end. Last defiant rays of tired sun that managed to outlast the buildings seemed like arrows flying straight at them. Fred lifted his head up. Tears had wet the spots that were his eyes a while ago. " But it has to be somebody's fault, right? Afterall, I could have killed him. Although i am not sure if i should be happy i couldnt do it or not. I was always a happy man, Adrian. I always had my dreams. I always aspired to grow.I cherished success,Adrian. I believed in hardwork and its fruits. I wanted to live life. But look at Allan.What is he doing in this world. How long was he going to stay squashed under that bastard whom he calls 'boss'? How long was he going to stay dissatisfied and aimless anyways? How long was he going to survive without a drive,Adrian? How mean had the world been to him? And now that I tried to relieve him of these myseries, this world believes it's upto them to decide whether I am at fault? Life has to be lived with passion Adrian. There is no room for static people like Allan here. It suffocated me to see him squirm under those whom he should have never cared about. He was too lethargic to do it and so i had to do it for him.I had to do something. I had to put an end to it. I had to kill him or atleast try my best."


"Well, that is where the difference lies between us, Fred. Ya, even i knew that Allan was a misfit here. But then, think about it, arent we all so? I myself am a disconnected man. I could not care less about a stressful,tough life myself. I seldom cared about these hurdles myself. I wandered from one green island to another in search of nothing,Fred. I was a step beyond complacency myself. I could not face challenges or fears and so i chose to avoid them. I ran, Fred, far far away from a hardworking me. I absoultely deny facing anything that stresses me out. Which is exactly why I said i cant help you when you asked me for assistance to kill him. I had to tell someone about it. I did and they saved Allan. But I guess i am too indifferent now, Fred. You can choose to do what you want with him and I promise to keep mum. Maybe you are wrong or maybe you are right, I dont know and I dont care."


" Then why dont you just go ahead and kill me, Fred?" Allan's voice startled them both. They had no idea when he reached there. It felt as if he was standing there all along. It felt as though he knew everything from what they were talking to what they were thinking this very moment. " I myself am tired of this bitch called life,Fred. You are right. There is no room for me here. I am not a fighter like you, Fred. Nor can i be free enough a bird to leave my nest as and when i have a problem like you, Adrian. I have my own limitations. I am lazy guys. I am neither taleneted nor intelligent. I have to adjust to everyone and anyone who walks over me. It's not like I dont realize it, my friends. I just dont have a choice. I was made like this. I am like this."


Fredreich got up. He searched hastily inside his pockets and found a knife. He looked at Adrian. Adrian chose to look away. He suddenly seemed to have taken an interest for the birds that were flying back to their nests. He wondered whether they were helplessly changing nests even as they were talking, leaving all that they could call their's behind. Fred looked at Allan now. He saw in his eyes helplessness, the very quality of him that Fred hated most. " come on, end me." Allan said and stretched out his wrists. Fred held his folded palms and slashed both his nerves. After about a dozen quick strokes Fred began to feel drowsy. Everything seemed to go blurred. Adrian had vanished. Allan was standing in front of him, smiling. Allan said," Dont worry Fred. Adrian had to go. He knows he cant stop it this time. We are far away from any place he could look for help."

Next day's newspaper said: " Famous computer programmer Fredreich A. Allan succeeds in his second suicide attempt."

Somewhere on a summer evening..

It wasn't much of a bright summer day. I could feel the gentle breeze soak up the little shiny sweat drops that my forehead managed to put out as a mark of protest against my customary evening stroll to the Central garden. Of course it wasn't an effective fat burner, but did help me give the evening clock a faster tick. After retiring , there was nothing much to look forward to anyways. Indeed, being the only retired person in the family was boring me to the core. While it lasted, my unfamiliarity to our new locality helped me meet new people of different backgrounds and cultures. Mrs. Molly of the 10th, a well built attractive lady from caribbeans, always made it a point to wave like to a carnival troop as and when i passed. If it hadn't been for her not so private, loud display of affection for her husband, I would've suspected that she loves me. Mr and Mrs Walker had the habit of attending to their garden together in the evening. I overheard a few maids at the local coffee shop opine that the Walkers made a bit too much of fuss about a simple backyard garden which was hardly ten steps by fifteen steps in size. I had come to know from Mrs. Stella that expecting a good turnout this year, the Walkers had had their crop insured . I wonder what they would get for ten plants and a handful of mushrooms anyways.

Mr and Mrs Stell Winston worked at the same office as stock brokers. Both had been brilliant as students. At times Mr. Winston would join my evening walks. But today, apparently big client meets kept him from coming back early and so I had to sit and worry about burnt calories alone.

I always sit at the same bench in the park. Today was no different. The short concrete bench on which a couple had declared their undying love gave me a sense of happyness n satisfaction. Perhaps it was just the shade of the trees but I chose to believe that it's the association to love that the bench witnessed that made me feel at home and relaxed here. Again, the bench offered a view of the park entrance though from a distance. Every new person entering the garden brought with them the quintessential quota of human presence which without any doubt was what kept me connected to this little green spot in the concrete jungle that my city has turned out to be.

A quick refreshing breeze struck me on my face cleansing all my weariness. That was when I noticed a group of five enter the park. Tastefully dressed and adorned with bright evening clothes that blended only too naturally with the ambience of the park. Five ladies in their mid thirties I believe. One of them despite the allegiance to the group stood out. She looked charming. They sat close to me by the small pool with a fountain. The pretty one was a chirpy parrot. She was definitely a sweet soul and though married, I envied her husband for a moment. The moment then stretched and gathered magnitude as each glance fed the attraction that was swelling in my mind. Her smile was infectious. The entire group looked positively happy that she was with them. Even I was happy that I was here to witness this beauty. Her friends stood up and moved to the icecream stall towards the north end as she sat there readying some sandwiches. Lucky bread, lucky butter, lucky knife, lucky piece of earth that she sat on, lucky air that she inhaled I thought. I just knew it. It was now or never. I walked over to her and sat down by her side. I told myself that I had to come up with some conversation that was interesting and stimulating. I had to get to know her better. I asked her first if I could get some water and while I sat sipping slowly, managed to get her talking and it felt good. Her name was Elena. Slowly, I finally found out what I wanted to know more than anything else. She wasn't married. I asked for no reasons. Whatever they were, they were all favourable for me. Thanks to the burgeoning crowd at the park, her friends did not come back for quite some time and I was as happy as I ever could be.


I asked her for her phone number. She looked more than just happy to give it to me. I wrote it down and kept it safely. When her friends got back, I greeted them and got up and came back to my bench. I was happy or I was confused, I didn't know. Each heart beat reminded me of the truth. I am married and I am attracted now to a stranger. But I didn't feel bad. Nothing was wrong with getting attracted, I thought. Most probably I will never call her, I said myself. I was wrong. I called her up after about an hour which felt like a decade to me.She was alone, shopping close to my house. I called her over for a coffee. She agreed readily and in about ten minutes she was at my doorstep. She stood pretty in a white dress. She looked ravishing. "Coffee or champagne?", I enquired. There was no bounds to my joy as she came close to me whispered in my ears that a champagne could do the trick. Three glasses down, I was sure that there was nothing that could stop me from doing what I wanted. She looked pretty buzzed too. But she knew what she was doing and infact looked pretty keen too. She went around the house appreciating the paintings through the first two shots and finally landed on the couch as I gave her the third. She downed the last in a quick clean draw and with an astounding sense of surity asked me, " where is your bedroom? can we go see it?". Next I remember, we were sitting on my bed and I was kissing her neck, her arms around my waist. I held her face in my hands and we kissed. She was amazing. I had never felt better. She gave me a smile and fell back on the bed. I kissed her tummy and she let out a seductive moan.
"Ting tong" , the bell rang. I got up suddenly. I was worried. I had lost all sense of time. I had been a fool. I was supposed to be going out tonite for a dinner with family friends with my family. Elena got up too. She asked me why I looked a bit nervous. That was when it finally struck her I guess. She asked me, " You are married, aren't you?". Her eyes glistened and she said nothing. I just asked her to stay calm and to let me handle the situation first. I took her along to the door and opened it. I introduced Elena first. It wasn't hard to spot that Elena was almost in tears. That was when John, my husband, took to me the bedroom and asked me, " You din't think it was important to mention that you are married, did you ?".